parents is a meal
we’re born into,
grew from then apart
reaching towards the sun,
taking in the rain
to keep us grounded
suffering
reminds us
of
happiness
intertwined
bố mẹ là bữa ăn
mình sinh vào
lớn lên, bay đi
với tới trời
uống mưa
rễ níu lại
cho vững chãi
nỗi buồn
nhắc nhở
niềm vui
quấn quýt
trong nhau
20. 3. 2017
the meaning of life seems to be sharing the seemingly meaninglessness of life with one another when we question the meaning of life…
winter blues, deadlines, some rejections, some emotionally unavailable romance, social/ family/ fertility pressure, transition time with rent ~ food ~ allergies, new covid phase and fear, war newsfeed, others’ sadness… a little bit of everything are finally piling up and hitting me these (later in the) days mentally physically
earlier in the days i can still sing and dance, yet when the night comes, it darkens my world bits by bits ~ maybe that’s how winter colours life. is spring here before the intense summer ~ why am i still living in the concrete city with its hardened soul covered by pollution, noise and piled up pains, good food and lively romance in central hanoi until the msg/ pesticides upset my body like a complicated relationship…
i thought if there would be another lockdown, i should move somewhere with more nature. i guess there won’t be official lockdown any more but our own locking until down…
our minds are told to be like city road maps yet our emotions weave and intertwine as endless roots in jungles
p.s. the bored politicians/ power gamers can gather in some stadium and fight among themselves and let civilians alone? who want to support that can pay for the tickets to watch them?
6. 3. 2022
In Hanoi when I was going to (elite) schools, I was asked by friends’ parents about my parents’ jobs. Some were not allowed to be friends with me because my parents are not ‘elite’ as theirs.
I am later aware that my mum’s more intellectual and knowledgable about health, music, ethics than some of those who look or sound more ‘elite’ because of their or their husbands’ job statuses. My mum and I actually had the same biology teacher in highschool though she went to a village one, the teacher was teaching there due to the war in Hanoi. Though she didn’t get her degree from a top college, she is passionate and thirsts for knowledge in what she cares about and those that matters actually. She quit state job after the communism time to have a food stall close to our house to take care of me.
In Saigon, when applying for jobs, I am asked by Vietnamese bosses about my parents’ jobs. I then get accepted by them because my parents are not elite meaning they’re not related to the government I would guess.
I would encourage my mum to take a course at GRAIN Cooking Studio to improve her cooking skills and turn her passion in health and food into beautiful dishes inside out
Thinking about my Couchsurfing host in Begen, Norway who has a degree in Archaeology and is happy working in a bar where minimum wage is twice compared to England’s and still reads archaeology books. The young maid who is working for my host in Saigon has been working since 7, got quarrelled at and learns to quarrel back at her bosses, earns more than an average office job and works less, doesn’t know how to read, enjoys watching cartoons in English on TV on comfy sofas at households she work at when the hosts are away at work – probably mostly in offices
2. 3. 2016
holiday time (with screaming from families in my neighbourhood for a few days now) shows us the need of family teamwork & communication training
i’m coming home with a camera – a reminder to observe, listen and learn more about my parents, relatives, present and past, corners of the house we live in
many thanks dear Hanoi DocLab people for your support ♡
26. 1. 2017
unfolds in front of my eyes with generous lines of trees, peaceful speed of life and gentle, respectful people. Wooden floors, tricycles, 1920s colonial feel. Motorbikes are not allowed here, public bus service can be chaotic.
Yangon seems like a fusion of Hanoi in the 90s with bits and bits of modernity and *democracy*. It feels like traveling with a time machine to the past, present and (political) future.
Developing countries, smile ~ breathe and go slowly, please
15 may 2016
~ and that present became history again…
You have fancied that ice-cream coconut for a while. Today you finally bought it, turns out they put factory ice-cream inside the coconut right in front of you.
Your dad ‘likes that you’re interested in a green forest film event’ at L’espace on Facebook because he ‘follows’ you. He and your aunt both like your post though they argued and don’t talk in real life, now they get to see nice chosen photos of each other online.
After an(other) anthropology talk-discussion event, which is often a good masturbation for the mind, you and the speaker talked about study options to end up with – the happiest thing to do is probably to grow vegetables. But of course you gotta try it first, you might not be able to. We’ll see.
The ice-cream is alright, because you’re sitting on a beanbag looking to West Lake with some wind playing around you.
4. 4. 2017
~
you can hold her hand
and show her how you cry
explain to her your weakness so she understands
and then roll over and die
you can brave decisions
before you crumble up inside
spend your time asking everyone else’s permission
then run away and hide
you can sit on chimneys
with some fire up your ass
no need to know what you’re doing or waiting for
but if ever anyone should ask
tell them, i’ve been licking coconut skins,
and we’ve been hanging out
tell them, God just dropped by to forgive our sins,
and relieve us our doubt
you can hold her eggs
but your basket has a hole
you can lie between her legs and go looking for
tell her you’re searching for her soul
you can wait for ages
watch your compost turn to coal
but time is contagious
and everybody’s getting old
so you can sit on chimneys
with some fire up your ass
no need to know what you’re doing or looking for
but if ever anyone should ask
tell them, i’ve been cooking coconut skins,
and we’ve been hanging out
tell them, ‘God just dropped by to forgive our sins,
and relieve us our doubt
coconut skins ~ damien rice, to all the confused boys in/ out of love
release us
we’ll feed you indeed
from our breathing out
can you hide in the cloud
no need to give us a shout
just be there and chill out
take care of your crowds
has it been fair enough
for humans to balance what we’ve caused
locked down in the house
with fears to embrace
to play more indoor
reflecting on our cores
instead of more, more, more
treating our sores
and flaws
draw our dreams
watching old films
streaming with our teams
making our own creams
parents living together peacefully, finally
mum even made apple cider vinegar
and practised yogaaa
thank you for pushing us inwards
with your swords through our chests
to rest and balance the harmony we lost
when we fought for what we got caught in
to be seen with what we “should” be keen on
to clean our sins
has it been enough
breathing in
we release you, covid
breathing out
please go play above the clouds
and slow down
~ sam, scribbling in bed before and after sleeping
17 feb 2022, hanoi ~ with omicron spreading
the right dish for me is the one that i enjoy having most of the time, more so when i’m tired ~ thinking about it makes me feel better, cooking it makes me feel good and enjoying it makes me happy. guess it’s the same with people, though it needs to be two ways in later case
does a mum truly understand the baby inside her after 9 months? it takes much longer to understand another whole person
saigon, 22. 3. 2016
all we do is to p. a. s. s t. i. m. e
until there’s love
to f e e l
in a dance
in a bowl of noodle soup
in hands in hands
in silence
eyes closed
lips gently opened
nose sniffing
embracing another soul
intertwining with yours
saigon, 22. 3. 2018
grateful to see small local-owned businesses still alive and well in Vietnam
my paternal grandfather and his older brother used to be professional barbers ~ they owned a ‘western’ barbershop in the old quarter of Hanoi on Hang Ga and Hang Khay during French time. planning to come visit with the address given by my uncle and aunt (finally did with my uncle in 2020 or so ~ will share more on this later…)
when communists took over after Dien Bien Phu battle with France,
my grandfather had to join the communist cooperative and was ‘moved’ to Cho Gioi, a flea market in Hanoi, started to drink and my dad’s family went down together with the communist time ~ its aftermaths passed down to my father thus my mum and i…stories of many other Vietnamese families…
my grandfather’s older brother went south to Saigon
continued his barber shop on 49 Le Loi in the central of Saigon, now sold and rented by a Converse store. the only relative-in-law left there was waiting to be paid by the government for the few-decade metro project. it was an emotional visit for me when i first came to Saigon last year
my uncle shared with me yesterday that they didn’t see each other for 20 years until 1975
my uncle and my dad visited Saigon, worked for their uncle’s cafe in their teenage years
‘from 6am to 12pm. each has our own individual meal, no time to play. i was used to having more time sleeping in Hanoi. i wanted to stay in Saigon, not coming back to Hanoi because of the sad family but i finally got upset and jumped on the top of the train without a fare to get back to Hanoi. another guy who worked there followed a boat to go overseas’
i remember seeing black and white photos of that grandfather’s family with fancy white suits and car in front of a villa in Da Lat
he had 13 kids, first one studied in France, had some mental health issue and finally passed away in Vietnam
the rest moved to the US through different journeys ~ some worked for the Southern army, some through refugee camps through out the 90s. it could have been interesting to meet some of them when i was in Cali but we lost touch
my uncle compared politics to a ‘prostitute’, always sounds nice whichever guy/ side (s)he’s with…
hanoi, 31 august 2017
march 2022 ~ the bored politicians/ power gamers can gather in some stadium and fight among themselves and let civilians alone? who want to support that can pay for the tickets to watch them?
october 2022
i finally met two of ông Nghĩa’s sons living in Orange County, visiting Saigon when i was there for interpretation work. we were all visiting aunt Tám’s ~ ông Nghĩa’s oldest daughter in law, the only family left in Vietnam. bác Dũng still has a vividly strong northern Hanoi accent after all those years in Saigon since 1954. he talked about his field, work, salary, top rated future jobs ~ american entrepreneur vibe. bác Quang looks rather more sentimental, got on a video call with someone soon afterwards. his name on Facebook has a french part as he went to french schools in Hanoi and Saigon. the uncles were recalling my paternal grandfather as “cậu” ~ a very endearing word to hear, as in father’s younger brother ~ they can’t really remember my dad or any of my grandfather’s children
i tried to video call my dad, my aunt a bunch of times but couldn’t reach to any of them that noon, one with not strong enough internet connection. aunt Tám’s cooked lunch was already there waiting to be eaten, we were served some fruits after the uncles arrived. it is often said that southerner vietnamese won’t invite you to stay and eat if they don’t mean it as the northerners might do. having lived in central Vietnam in the last few months, i re-learn to re-appreciate that it’s more about eating together than eating. aunt Tám is from Quảng Ngãi, central Vietnam, living in Saigon since her young years. me and my friend finally left for lunch, i messaged the uncles that we could meet for cafe to connect more later ~ i am curious to hear more about grandfather’s family stories after 1954. we finally all flew to our different destinations
until next time, i guess
december 2017
chanting sometimes these days in Sanskrit at Sivananda yoga center in Da Lat i like some melodies yet held back a bit by some loss ~ that not far from here, ten tears ago, there was a place where Vietnamese could sing Vietnamese mindful songs from Lang Mai tradition nurtured by thay Thich Nhat Hanh
people say it’s the vibration i should pay attention to, not the meaning of the words yet there’s more fulfilment when i’m connected to the words as well as in feeling good with someone physically is not as good as when there’s mental connection as well
i see policemen a few times here already if there’s God, bless Vietnam will you
february 2022
now i can connect more with melodies, vibration, energy ~ spiritual connection is more important or isn’t it the actual connection ~ similar to Norah Jone’s musical vibe whether the lyrics is sad or creepy, she sounds soft, calm and loving
i guess the people’ energy at Sivananda Da Lat didn’t exactly harmonise with the melodies? some vices or circle of work/ pressure i guess…it’s in a concrete resort isn’t it
như chờ tình đến, rồi hãy yêu
p.s. refined sugar goes faster into your bloodstream like an intense crush? when the honey moon phase is over and you’re not blinded any more, having seen each other’s ups and downs, darks and brights ~ and wanting to embrace all that and grow together, then you’re in the mood for love
through love with yourself ~ be love
breathing & playing 